Sauron's Nightmare
by Akihiro the hero
Summary: Two young lads in Mordor are going to make Sauron have his worst day of his life! And see how evil Elrond is! (only in the last chapter)
1. A little too strange isn't it?

Sauron's Nightmare  
  
Chapter one - 'A little too Strange, isn't it?'  
  
A long, long time before Fordo and Sam stepped into Mordor, two lads were wandering in the land of shadow. However, no tales, songs, or poem were made about it, for none had drunk 'Got Milk?' to have the strength to live to tell it.  
  
The two young brave lads lurked in the gloominess of the land. They were from a secret city in the Misty Mountains called No-entry-for-Balrogs, where its inhabitants were all Balrogs, flying here and there everyday. Their purpose of traveling here was to bring an end to the Dark Lord. Eh... no, sorry, typing error. They are actually here to watch orcs bathing (*drools at the thought*).  
  
'Slap!' Tom gave John a tight slap angrily. 'It's all because of you!!'  
  
A drop of tear rolled down John's cheek. 'NO, FORGIVE ME TOM! I'M SORRY!! PLEASE!!' he said.  
  
'HOW CAN I FORGIVE YOU AFTER WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!' Tom yelled at John and waved a fist at him. 'THAT'S WAS A DAMN GOOD OPPRTUNITY TO WATCH THE ORCS BATHING, AND YET YOU SELFISH ASS BLOCKED MY VIEW AND ENJOYED ALL BY YOURSELF!!'  
  
'I'm sorry Tom... I'm sorry,' John sobbed.  
  
'Tom eyed him for a moment and his glare softened. 'Alright, but I don't want a next-time, you hear me?' he said. John nodded sadly.  
  
They studied the ruins before them. A platoon of orcs were marching towards them. They looked fearsome and terrible, big and tall (not at all the type they prefer to ogle at). They trembled helplessly and watched them get closer.  
  
Then as they got closer, John suddenly called out: 'Hey! Isn't that Jim Carrey?!' He waved at one of the orcs with a hideous thick make-up.  
  
'Yeah! That's Jim Carrey!' Tom cried and got ready to grab an autograph from him.  
  
Then the 'orc-that-looked-like-Jim-Carrey' screamed at them: 'SHUT THE HELL UP! CAN'T YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT YOU'RE ACTING IN A MOVIE?!'  
  
John and Tom were stunned. They kept staring with their jaws wide- opened at the professionally-disguised Jim Carrey until the platoon faded out of view.  
  
The land around them were swamps and nothing else. Huge and sharp rocks littered the ground like tombstones. They trudge along the well-trodden path used by the orcs leading towards the distant Dark Tower. The Tower stood on the horizon like a pin poking out from the earth, ugly and evil.  
  
'IN WHOSE NAME DO YOU TWO SERVE? HOW DARE YOU ENTER MORDOR!' a voice boomed from behind.  
  
Behind them was the notorious Lord of the Nazguls, who was known for undergoing the first sex-change operation in Middle Earth, and thus was named the Witch-king. A messy tangle of visitor passes hung on his neck. Then for no reason, he knelt down before them and said:  
  
'PLEASE, I BEG TWO OF YOU TO PAY ONLY 2 DOLLARS FOR A VISITOR PASS! THE MORGUL ECONOMY HAVE BEEN FAILING EVER SINCE OUR LORD HAD LOST HIS RING! PLEASE, HAVE A HEART AND DO US THIS LITTLE FAVOUR!'  
  
Tom and John stood there like statues and were as silent as urine going down the side of the toilet bowl.  
  
'PLEEZ!! ONLY 2 DOLLARS!!' the Witch-king pressed on.  
  
'Erm... sorry, I'd forgotten my lines!' Tom scratched his head and dug out a crumpled paper from his pocket. A light of relief beamed on his face as he unfolded it.  
  
'Oi... 'kay, now I know! *cleared his throat* We're willing to pay more than that if you bring us to the Dark Tower.'  
  
The Witch-king looked puzzled and too, dug out a paper from his pocket. 'BLAA BLAA NASTY SAURON, HAVE YOU GOT ANY POO? YES SIR YES SIR THREE BEGS FULL. ONE FOR MINAS TIRITH, ONE FOR...'  
  
'Erm... Mr. Witch-king, have you made a mistake?' John asked.  
  
The Nazguls' Leader came to his mind and hid the paper back into his pocket hastily. 'A SONG INVENTED BY NAZGUL NUMBER THREE! SHH... DUN SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT OR WE WILL DIE, OKAY?' he hissed and scanned the surrounding carefully.  
  
And together, they went to the Dark Tower.  
  
********  
  
To be continued  
  
******** 


	2. Born to be smelly

Chapter 2 - Born to be Smelly  
  
The hours of walking had finally brought them to their destination. It now rose menacingly before them.  
  
'Hey, I gotta watch the live broadcast of "The Modorian Idol"! Bye!" the Nazgul Lord bade them farewell and walked away.  
  
Then, an unbearable stench enclosed them, choking them to near-death condition.  
  
'What in Mordor is this stinky gas? Did you farted?' John asked, struggling to breath fresh air above.  
  
'NOOOOO! I swear I didn't --'  
  
'How dare you insult the Mouth of Sauron!!' a voice roared from in front.  
  
The Mouth of Sauron rode on a poor near-fainting and foaming horse out of the mist.  
  
'You shall pay for this, you two little waddy!' he said in a nasty tone.  
  
'Errr... excuse me, what's a "waddy"?' John asked.  
  
The servant of Sauron ignored him and removed his glove, revealing a pair of hands with sharp metal nails. He turned to them and gave an evil grin.  
  
(readers: Oh no! He going to kill them!! )  
  
'Please dun kill us... we're still young!!' Tom pleaded and was near to tears.  
  
'PREPARE FOR YOUR DOOM!!' He took out a mini-blackboard and began scratching it with his sharp nails. The noise it made was enough to make Conan the Barbarian Conan the Librarian.  
  
'STOOPP IT!! IT'S KILLING US!! STOP!!' John screamed and covered his ears.  
  
The scratching stopped and suddenly, the Mouth of Sauron began sobbing. 'Why must all of you hate me for my stench?!' he said. 'BLAME IT ALL ON SAURON THAT BASTARD!!'  
  
'Sauron?' John asked.  
  
'Yesss! BLAME IT ALL ON THAT ASS-HOLE BASTARD #$%^&*@!! That idiot has not brushed his teeth for centuries!!'  
  
(remember, he is the 'Mouth of Sauron')  
  
His gazed centered on Tom, then on John. 'I NEED YOU TWO'S HELP. I WANT THAT BORN FOR NOTHING RUBBER DUCKY TO BRUSH HIS TEETH.'  
  
********  
  
To be continued  
  
******** 


	3. Sauron Deafeated, or is it?

Chapter 3 -  
  
'I NEED YOU TWO'S HELP. I WANT THAT BORN-FOR-NOTHING RUBBER DUCKY TO BRUSH HIS TEETH.' the Mouth of Sauron said.  
  
'But--' before both of them could finish their sentence, they were thrown through the open gate of the Dark Tower, Baradur. The gate was slammed shut behind them by an unseen force.  
  
'We're in deep shit this time round,' Tom said and looked around.  
  
'Yeah, possibly in Sauron's shit too,' said a voice from a puddle of foul-smelling mud - or it is shit? A black figure clad with mud crawled out. 'That bastard up there doesn't know what's hygiene. Imagine shit just falling down like rain.'  
  
A rumble shook the tower's interior. Ten thousand kilograms of shit rained down upon them mercilessly all at the same time.  
  
'AHH!! ONE GOT INTO MY MOUTH!!' a voice screamed.  
  
'I DRANK SOME DOWN!! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!!' another voice cried.  
  
'HEHE HEHE! GOT A TASTE OF THE DARK LORD'S "BOWEL EFFICIENCY"?' Sauron cooed from above in a form of 'Batman'.  
  
'Yeah, a taste indeed. I know you just had peanut butter cookies for breakfast,' Tom said sarcastically.  
  
'INTRUDERS, WHY ARE YOU HERE?'  
  
'Err... to brush your teeth I think,' John replied.  
  
There was a momentary silence in the Tower.  
  
'HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT?!'  
  
Then, the 'batman' glided down towards the two trembling boys. 'SAY GOODBYE TO THE WORLD, MY FRIENDS.'  
  
Out of the sudden, a blue flash beamed between the 'batman' and the boys. Before Sauron could do anything, a gigantic toothbrush sprang out from nowhere and flew into his mouth. It started brushing by itself. 'UP AND DOWN! UP AND DOWN! CAN YOU SEE ME DANCING UP AND DOQN? TO THE LEFT AND TO THE RIGHT...' the toothbrush sang in a loud and clear voice which unnervingly sounded very much like the Mouth of Sauron.  
  
'STO... STOP IT,' Sauron roared while his mouth foamed massive galaxies of bubbles.  
  
'AND BACK TO THE LEFT AND BACK TO THE RIGHT! UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN! HERE WE GO DANCING!'  
  
(actually, the Mouth of Sauron was doing this magic from the outside)  
  
'OK OK. I SURRENDER!' Sauron blurted out.  
  
Just then, the toothbrush and the foam disappeared, revealing two rows of sparkling white teeth.  
  
'GOD BLESS THE TWO OF YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS.' Sauron said wholeheartedly. 'HOW CAN I REPAY YOUR KINDNESS?'  
  
'I order you to...' (making use of this time to use the word 'order') Tom paused for a while and continued: 'BRING US BREAT SENSUOUS PHOTOS OF ORCS BATHING!!'  
  
'YEAH!!' John cheered and danced around.  
  
(author: Even I myself was rather disgusted!!)  
  
'OH I SEE. THAT IS NO PROBLEM FOR ME. NAZGUL NO 3?'  
  
'YES MASTER,' a Nazgul walked out from a door.  
  
'BRING ME THE PHOTOS WE SHOT.'  
  
The Nazgul handed them a stack of photos and they squealed in delight.  
  
'ALRIGHT, I HOPE YOU TWO HAVE A NICE TRIP HOME.'  
  
The black gate swung open with a flick of his finger.  
  
'Bye!' they waved goodbye and walked out.  
  
*****  
  
To be continued...  
  
***** 


	4. Double Escapes

Chapter 4 - Double Escapes  
  
"I didn't expect Sauron to be so generous! And by the way, who in the hell did that toothbrush magic? It can't be you, isn't it?" Tom said, while they made they way to the secret exit in the mountains.  
"OF COURSE it wasn't me! Who knows, but who cares?" John replied.  
They got out at last from the shadow of the Dark Tower. Every few seconds, Mt. Doom would rage a fiery blast of fire-rocks, tainting the sky with a reddish glow. Their skin burn with the heat, even though the mountain was hundred of miles away.  
Suddenly, they felt eyes on them. Many eyes.  
  
***  
  
"NAZGUL NUMBER EIGHT. SEND TWO THOUSAND ORCWS TO KILL THE TWO BANNANAS OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE. BUT BE CAREFUL, THEY KNOW MAGIC." Sauron yelled to his old-fashioned-and-ultra-huge-walkie-talkie while he picked his nose furiously. He stuck a lump of his nose-shit onto the phone and said: "IF YOU FAIL, TASTE MY SHIT." Screams in Mordor chorused together. "AND RETRIEVE THE PHOTOS THEY'VE."  
  
***  
  
A row of dark shapes marched towards them. There were a total of one hundred and ninety nine orcs (one slipped away of watch the final contest of "The Mordorian Idol").  
"You two nasty little humans shallzz diezz!" an orc with a candle on his head, who is Gollum's previous life, cackled.  
Just then, some of the photos slipped out from John's backpack.  
"AWW! NASTY LITTLE HUMANS!! THEY HAS THE PHOTOS OF US BATHING AT HOTSPRING INNZ LAST WEEK!!" the orc screamed.  
A commotion rippled in the orc army. Then, Tom had an idea.  
"If you don't let us off, we shall hand them over to the "Wacky Middle Earthlians" magazine for posting!" he said.  
"Yeah, and all of you will be the biggest joke in Middle Earth!" John added.  
So in the end, the orcs let them off. (another disaster survived!)  
"Hey what a good deal! Getting free naked orcs photos and an obstruct less path in Mordor!" John said, his tears flowing with gratefulness.  
"Yeah! Maybe Sauron isn't that evil afterall," Tom replied. "That adds a new saying to Middle Earth: 'Not all of tasted batman's shit will die of mental depression'"  
"Yeah, very funny, John," John said mockingly.  
"No. Not really when I'm face-to-face with a 100 Kilograms pile of slimy maggots-filled shit."  
A huge blob of a Highly-Familiar-Looking brownish matter landed a few seconds before, spraying a rain of watery dung. ("Oh, he just ate Oreo's cookies," Tom said.) Sauron, in the form of a winged batman, circled in the air.  
"SHIT!! MY AIMING TODAY ISN'T VERY GOOD TODAY!" Sauron hissed.  
"RUN!" they both creamed at the same time and headed for the closest cover available. Then, a voice boomed from everywhere:" LISTEN TO ME, SAURON."  
"GOD? NOOO! GOD IS TALKING TO ME!" Sauron cried. "FORGIVE ME, LORD, FOR MY SINS!!"  
The voice continued: "DO YOUR BOWEL SYSTEM A FAVOUR BY EATING A SLIM- DUNG PILL EVERYDAY.!"  
("Shit!! Our movie file had been infected by a "Slimy-dung" computer virus!" the movie director, Pimple Jackson, yelled.)  
Sauron did a summersault in the air and dive towards the trench where two maniacs, who were looking a some photos, were hiding.  
"OH NOOO! HE'S COMING STRAIGHT AT US!!" John screamed so loud that his lungs burned.  
"AND LOOK AT THAT SCARY PAIR OF ARMPITS! AN EXPLOSION OF ARMPIT HAIR!!" Tom added.  
They slammed their eyes shut and did not want to think of what that will happen next.  
"SAURON! STOP YOUR FOOLISHNESS!" a voice roared from the distant mountains.  
"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" Sauron demanded and stood on a hill, facing the source of the sound.  
"THE ANGEL OF 'THOU-SHALT-NOT-URINE-STRAIGHT-INTO-THE-TOILET-BOWL-BUT- DOWN-THE-SIDE'. I'M HERE TO STOP YOU FROM KILLING THE INNOCENTS."  
An expression of pain seized Sauron's face. "FORGIVE ME, THE ANGEL OF 'THOU-SHALT-NOT-URINE-STRAIGHT-INTO-THE-TOILET-BOWL-BUT-DOWN-THE-SIDE'! I ADMIT THAT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN URINING STRAIGHT INTO THE TOILET BOWL INSTEAD OF DOWN THE SIDE!" he confessed and wpied away his tears.  
"GOOD, GOOD. IT'S GOOD TO KNOW YOUR MISTAKES, SAURON. (do you know that everyone's suffering from noise pollution because of you?!) WHAT ABOUT THE TWO LITTLE KIDDIES DOWN THERE?"  
Sauron looked at the two tiny dots below him. "I WILL LET THEM GO."  
So, again, they got away safely. 


	5. A sad ending

Chapter 5 - A sad ending  
  
They continued their journey to the secret tunnel in the mountains. On their way, they passed many orc settlements that were full of houses made of hardened lava. Occasionally, they would hear noisy chatters of the orcs from the houses. ("Why did you fail your exams, huh?! Tell me!!" "Why are you home so late?! I could smell beer on you from miles away!!")  
They finally made it to the tunnel after a laborious climb up a slope. It was dark and damp. Webs of Nazgul's sticky mucus hung everywhere.  
"We shall stay here for the night. I'm dead tired," Tom threw his bag onto the ground and slumped himself onto a wall.  
"Yeah, of course," John replied.  
"HI! HUMANS OF THE WEST!" spoke the voice of the angel of 'Thou-shall- not-urine-straight-into-the-toilet-bowl-but-down-the-side'. "ALRIGHT, I'M NOT AN ANGEL ACTUALLY."  
A man stepped out from a little gap just beside Tom. He has a long black hair, a moustache and a beard - he was Aragorn. He carried a trumpet- like thing. Tom nearly died of shock from having some gorilla suddenly popping out just beside him.  
"How did you make your voice that loud?" John asked.  
"With this, stupid," Aragorn held up the trumpet-like thing for them to see. "100 percent pure brass! High sound amplification!"  
"Why did you want to save us?" Tom asked.  
Aragorn gave him a stern look. "NONONONONONONONONONONO..." Tom replied like a machine gun.  
"Ok, that's right, boy," Aragorn winked at him. Tom gave a noticeable shudder.  
"I shall bring you two to Rivendell to heal your bodies," the bearded man said.  
  
Near Rivendell:  
  
"Hey! You see him? That's uncle Elrond over there!" Aragorn pointed to a retarded-looking man dancing around.  
"I thought that was an over-sized rabbit," Tom exclaimed.  
Aragron ignored him and called out: "Hey! Elrond! I'm back!"  
The man turned towards them. "Aragorn you scumbag! How could you've children with other woman?!" Elrond screamed and glared at Tom and John.  
"No, they're --" Before Aragron could finish his sentence, a lightning- fast blur flew pasr him and the two boys disappeared. "SPLASH! SPLASH!" Elrond threw them (J. and T.) into a lake. So here ends the heroic tale of the two brave lads, who always got away from trouble by sheer luck, only to be killed by a mentally unstable elf. A very sad ending indeed.  
Then later, Aragron explained to the elf who they actually were. Elrond felt so guilty that his faece could not come out. A team of dwarves who were mining experts were called to save him. About what they did to him, I do not wish to say in case I, as well as you readers, could not have my dinner in peace.  
  
To be continued!!! 


	6. The Retribution

Chapter 6 -  
  
"TOM AND JOHN, SONS OF AHACHOOKA. WAKE UP NOW."  
A voice woke Tom and John into their consciousness. All they could remember in their head is a dream. A man dressed in a black cloak. A very smelly man. A batman. An army of weird creatures. A man with a beard. And at last, a mad elf.  
"Where are we?" John asked, suddenly feeling weak and empty.  
"IN HEAVEN, OF COURSE," the voice said.  
"Oh really? Then, who are you?" Tom asked.  
An angel with a apir of feathery wings appeared. "I AM THE ANGEL OF 'THOU-SHALT-NOT-URINE-STRAIGHT-INTO-THE-TOILET-BOWL-BUT-DOWN-THE-SIDE'. YOUR FRIEND ARAGRON HAD MISUSED MY NAME AND SHALL BE REINCARNATED TO A TOILET BOWL AS A PUNISHMENT."  
"Oh, that's pretty good news considering what harm he had brought upon us," Tom said, after realizing his dream was actually his life. "What's next for us?"  
"TO THE CHAMBER OF REINCARNATION, STUPID."  
  
***  
  
* Angels of the Reincarnation Section's Notice Board *  
  
NEWLY DECEASED:  
  
*Tom Leghair  
  
Death Cause (s): Elrond - murderer  
  
Reincarnation Form: Elrond's son who will make Elrond mad from over-stress.  
  
*John Leghair  
  
Death Cause (s) Same as above  
  
Reincarnation Form: Elrond's daughter who will shop-till-she-drop and make Elrond go bankrupt. 


End file.
